[It'll get worse as the night grows darker, she knows. She'll get more withdrawn, Rohan will get more paranoid. She wishes it weren't like this, because she knows full well that his mood will derive from hers, and thus if she could only keep better control of herself, then surely he would, too.
But she's made up her mind not to blame herself for that. Instead, she waits for him to sit and then rolls over to pillow her head on his thigh, wanting the contact in whatever form she can get it.]
Ooh, that does sound good. And — hey, look. Udon for two, that might be nice.
[ He's known for... well, a long time, what tonight meant. Even knowing, though, it didn't necessarily mean he knew what would happen. He didn't know how they'd both act or want or seek out. He thought maybe he'd try to be reasonable, not as paranoid and cautious. And though ever bit of logic knows he's long gone. It's been a year since he's seen him, but it doesn't really help. ]
That would be nice.
[ He doesn't know how much either of them will eat. But, if they order some things and they don't eat more than a couple bites, it's not like he'd be bothered anyway.
He moves a hand up to her hair, settling it against her head. His fingers comb through her hair. He has no idea if it helps. He's not ever been good at comforting someone, so he's figuring it out as he goes. Reimi makes it easier, though. ]
Why don't we order in some stuff, then? [ pause ] The Udon. And whatever else.
[ Ordering, checking out the food. He moves his free hand to get his phone, to make it easier to order. In part so he doesn't have to move or separate from the contact. ]
I'll even have them leave it outside the door.
[ So that no one else enters this space, this room. He'll feel better knowing that no one else has, too. ]
[She catches on, after a minute, to what he's thinking when he mentions having them leave the delivery outside. Their room is a sealed bubble, isn't it, patrolled and guarded fanatically in an attempt to give her some peace of mind that, realistically, isn't likely to happen regardless.
But there's no reassurance in the world like the feeling of Rohan's hand raking through her hair, or the warmth of his leg beneath her cheek. It'll be okay, because he's close by. And maybe, just once, it'd be all right if she let herself be selfish, and let him protect her the way that she'd protected him on this night all those years ago.]
You know, I was thinking...there's something about that night that neither of us remember. What you did until they found you. Someone must've come to the house and found you, right? The police, I guess. That's what I always figured, anyway, but...I guess I don't really know for sure.
[ It sounds good to him, neither of them needed or wanted anything right now. Just another moment spent doing something that wasn't thinking about the night. A thumb casually brushes over her cheek as his fingers move through strands of hair. He's gentle with her, not because she's made of glass, but because she deserves a soft touch right now. And then when she speaks, he focuses on her. He doesn't remember what happened, he doesn't know.
He can only guess, too. ]
I probably waited as quietly as I could until the police showed up. I doubt anyone else would have been acceptable.
[ He watches her, and then he notes. ]
All I know is...I had to have felt safe because of you.
[ And that's all he really wants to do it for her. It's not about owing her anything, no life debt, nothing like that. This is about knowing that you have someone you can always rely on to make sure that you're okay and safe. And if she can trust him for that, he'll be glad for it. ]
You know what, though? I think... this is the first time I've been okay without knowing something.
[Most of the time, there are things about this terrible centerpiece of their shared history that she goes out of her way to avoid telling him. She keeps her secrets her own, because it's just another way of protecting him. There's a reason he forgot that night — and not just that night, but the whole memory of her entirely. There's a reason he shouldn't be exposed to the grisly details she remembers all too vividly, lest he blame himself somehow for the actions of a monster that were, ultimately, beyond both their control.
But it's August thirteenth, and she's never been particularly religious but there's something about the way they're positioned that makes her feel like she's offering a confession, whispering secrets into the spaces between them and trusting that they'll stay here, burned into this one terrible day, and not follow along with them when they eventually leave it behind with the rise of the sun.]
I was so scared. I kept thinking of you...kept hoping you would stay quiet like I'd told you to. I was so afraid you'd make a noise in the bushes and he'd look out the window.
[She'd wanted to stay quiet. She'd wanted to die in silence, so that Rohan wouldn't hear what was being done to her just on the other side of the wall.
Except that she knows she didn't. She'd screamed and sobbed the moment the knife had pierced through her back.
It's better that he doesn't remember.]
He wasn't quiet, when we dragged him to hell. He screamed and screamed. I liked it.
[ It's the smallest hint and connection he can find because he feels the same way. He'd do anything she asked. Anything she needed. Because that was what he wanted to do. And it's nice to hear her confess things like this - a whisper between the two of them. It's nice to do it here, too, in this secret place that they claimed for just a few days.
And even a confession like this is nice to hear. Maybe he shouldn't want to hear that she liked it, but he can't blame her. He would have, too, if he were her. If he remembered things like she did. He'd like nothing more than to hear him scream as he's dragged to the exact place he belongs.
His hand stops, he moves his palm to rest it on her cheek and he's quiet for a moment, though. Because maybe if he were someone else, he wouldn't want to hear it. Maybe it'll make her seem less like his guardian angel. Maybe she doesn't want him to know that she enjoyed something a little dirty - and terrible.
But Kira deserved it. For all of Rohan's fascination with the man that he once had, he was also a plague on Morioh. ]
Good.
[ There's a small exhale when he says it, a heavy sigh tied to the thirteenth. ]
He deserved it. I'm glad you liked it.
[ He's glad she doesn't need to feel like she has to be perfect with him, too. He leaves it unsaid. ]
...I...I was afraid you might — oh, um, what's that word. Mess up...
[She thinks a minute, absently leaning into the hand on her cheek, before recognition sparks in her half-closed eyes.]
Tarnish, that's it. I was afraid it'd tarnish your — the way you see me. You guys all said such nice things about me, that I was special and wonderful and like an angel. That wouldn't really have been a good time to tell you all how good it felt to listen to him get ripped apart, would it?
[She laughs softly. There isn't a lot of humor in it.]
Imagine how Koichi-kun would've looked at me. But you're not supposed to say bad things at a funeral, right? So you shouldn't say bad things on your way to heaven, either, I guess. Let people remember you in a nice way.
But you'll love me no matter what, won't you? So...maybe I don't have to hide it so much, after all.
[ He's listening quietly because it's... interesting to hear this from her. Hear these truths that she's never said to him. These things she's kept close to herself and is finally sharing with him. It makes him feel... special. He figured she trusted him, but this is different. A different sort of trust one can only get through work and the bond that they've built.
This bond isn't built on that pedestal. If it were, it'd be shaky and unreliable. He'd never be able to fully be confident and sure that they're starting in the same place. She's been standing on solid ground with him, where there's space to shift and change. There's opportunity to grow and improve. There's nowhere to go if you're already the best version of yourself in someone's eyes. Not that he wants her to lose this part of herself. That's the last thing he wants. It's always been there, after all. But - now he knows it does.
He prefers it. He prefers imperfections because they make people (not characters, he notes) interesting. ]
I guess so. Koichi-kun wouldn't have approved, but he can surprise us. It would have been an interesting note to leave on.
[ There's that moment where his chest is tight because leaving. This year has made it hard for him to imagine life without her. That chance to have her here with him, have this night together. A shared anniversary, a link in their past. He wouldn't have anticipated they'd be here. Her head on his leg, his attention shifted to her. A rare time where he's happier because of the contact. He seems to be thinking before he answers. ]
Of course I would. I already decided that. [ And that was that with him. ]
I like knowing things, so you don't have to hide anything. Do you know how hard it is to change my mind? I think it might be harder to change how I feel.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
But she's made up her mind not to blame herself for that. Instead, she waits for him to sit and then rolls over to pillow her head on his thigh, wanting the contact in whatever form she can get it.]
Ooh, that does sound good. And — hey, look. Udon for two, that might be nice.
no subject
That would be nice.
[ He doesn't know how much either of them will eat. But, if they order some things and they don't eat more than a couple bites, it's not like he'd be bothered anyway.
He moves a hand up to her hair, settling it against her head. His fingers comb through her hair. He has no idea if it helps. He's not ever been good at comforting someone, so he's figuring it out as he goes. Reimi makes it easier, though. ]
Why don't we order in some stuff, then? [ pause ] The Udon. And whatever else.
[ Ordering, checking out the food. He moves his free hand to get his phone, to make it easier to order. In part so he doesn't have to move or separate from the contact. ]
I'll even have them leave it outside the door.
[ So that no one else enters this space, this room. He'll feel better knowing that no one else has, too. ]
no subject
[She catches on, after a minute, to what he's thinking when he mentions having them leave the delivery outside. Their room is a sealed bubble, isn't it, patrolled and guarded fanatically in an attempt to give her some peace of mind that, realistically, isn't likely to happen regardless.
But there's no reassurance in the world like the feeling of Rohan's hand raking through her hair, or the warmth of his leg beneath her cheek. It'll be okay, because he's close by. And maybe, just once, it'd be all right if she let herself be selfish, and let him protect her the way that she'd protected him on this night all those years ago.]
You know, I was thinking...there's something about that night that neither of us remember. What you did until they found you. Someone must've come to the house and found you, right? The police, I guess. That's what I always figured, anyway, but...I guess I don't really know for sure.
no subject
[ It sounds good to him, neither of them needed or wanted anything right now. Just another moment spent doing something that wasn't thinking about the night. A thumb casually brushes over her cheek as his fingers move through strands of hair. He's gentle with her, not because she's made of glass, but because she deserves a soft touch right now. And then when she speaks, he focuses on her. He doesn't remember what happened, he doesn't know.
He can only guess, too. ]
I probably waited as quietly as I could until the police showed up. I doubt anyone else would have been acceptable.
[ He watches her, and then he notes. ]
All I know is...I had to have felt safe because of you.
[ And that's all he really wants to do it for her. It's not about owing her anything, no life debt, nothing like that. This is about knowing that you have someone you can always rely on to make sure that you're okay and safe. And if she can trust him for that, he'll be glad for it. ]
You know what, though? I think... this is the first time I've been okay without knowing something.
[ That's rare. ]
no subject
But it's August thirteenth, and she's never been particularly religious but there's something about the way they're positioned that makes her feel like she's offering a confession, whispering secrets into the spaces between them and trusting that they'll stay here, burned into this one terrible day, and not follow along with them when they eventually leave it behind with the rise of the sun.]
I was so scared. I kept thinking of you...kept hoping you would stay quiet like I'd told you to. I was so afraid you'd make a noise in the bushes and he'd look out the window.
[She'd wanted to stay quiet. She'd wanted to die in silence, so that Rohan wouldn't hear what was being done to her just on the other side of the wall.
Except that she knows she didn't. She'd screamed and sobbed the moment the knife had pierced through her back.
It's better that he doesn't remember.]
He wasn't quiet, when we dragged him to hell. He screamed and screamed. I liked it.
no subject
[ It's the smallest hint and connection he can find because he feels the same way. He'd do anything she asked. Anything she needed. Because that was what he wanted to do. And it's nice to hear her confess things like this - a whisper between the two of them. It's nice to do it here, too, in this secret place that they claimed for just a few days.
And even a confession like this is nice to hear. Maybe he shouldn't want to hear that she liked it, but he can't blame her. He would have, too, if he were her. If he remembered things like she did. He'd like nothing more than to hear him scream as he's dragged to the exact place he belongs.
His hand stops, he moves his palm to rest it on her cheek and he's quiet for a moment, though. Because maybe if he were someone else, he wouldn't want to hear it. Maybe it'll make her seem less like his guardian angel. Maybe she doesn't want him to know that she enjoyed something a little dirty - and terrible.
But Kira deserved it. For all of Rohan's fascination with the man that he once had, he was also a plague on Morioh. ]
Good.
[ There's a small exhale when he says it, a heavy sigh tied to the thirteenth. ]
He deserved it. I'm glad you liked it.
[ He's glad she doesn't need to feel like she has to be perfect with him, too. He leaves it unsaid. ]
Were you hoping to feel something else?
no subject
[She thinks a minute, absently leaning into the hand on her cheek, before recognition sparks in her half-closed eyes.]
Tarnish, that's it. I was afraid it'd tarnish your — the way you see me. You guys all said such nice things about me, that I was special and wonderful and like an angel. That wouldn't really have been a good time to tell you all how good it felt to listen to him get ripped apart, would it?
[She laughs softly. There isn't a lot of humor in it.]
Imagine how Koichi-kun would've looked at me. But you're not supposed to say bad things at a funeral, right? So you shouldn't say bad things on your way to heaven, either, I guess. Let people remember you in a nice way.
But you'll love me no matter what, won't you? So...maybe I don't have to hide it so much, after all.
no subject
This bond isn't built on that pedestal. If it were, it'd be shaky and unreliable. He'd never be able to fully be confident and sure that they're starting in the same place. She's been standing on solid ground with him, where there's space to shift and change. There's opportunity to grow and improve. There's nowhere to go if you're already the best version of yourself in someone's eyes. Not that he wants her to lose this part of herself. That's the last thing he wants. It's always been there, after all. But - now he knows it does.
He prefers it. He prefers imperfections because they make people (not characters, he notes) interesting. ]
I guess so. Koichi-kun wouldn't have approved, but he can surprise us. It would have been an interesting note to leave on.
[ There's that moment where his chest is tight because leaving. This year has made it hard for him to imagine life without her. That chance to have her here with him, have this night together. A shared anniversary, a link in their past. He wouldn't have anticipated they'd be here. Her head on his leg, his attention shifted to her. A rare time where he's happier because of the contact. He seems to be thinking before he answers. ]
Of course I would. I already decided that. [ And that was that with him. ]
I like knowing things, so you don't have to hide anything. Do you know how hard it is to change my mind? I think it might be harder to change how I feel.
[ impossible ]