[ Rohan recalls those moments. The way she looked on camera, the way she called him hers. The fact that she noted to him, even, that he was important to her. But all of those things, they didn't necessarily mean she had feelings for him. Her Lightning. She is right when she says they're not the same. Rohan's been numb to the idea of getting close to others for most of his life. Or all of it that he remembers.
And, well, maybe it was also because he knew, somewhere, that he'd be okay without her ever returning those feelings to him - as long as she stayed close to him anyway. For all of his efforts not to do it - it was hard to not see Reimi as everything good. She gave him his life. And he had convinced himself, and told her, that nothing she could do to hurt how he thought of her. And that was true.
So it's only natural that it'd be different. He didn't necessarily they'd really be similar. But the feeling? He knew it. He could recognize it. He knew what it was like, and he'd have to know more to see what was going on in Setsura's head.
Whatever she'd share, of course. He wouldn't dare use his ability on her for something like this. ]
Of course it isn't the same. And I didn't think this absolved me of trying to find out how I want to approach this.
[ A game plan. He needed that to approach this. Maybe he'd produce some short manga - 4 panels, probably - to help him better figure out what he needed. He's sure that's not what most people do, but for him. ]
You and I are different enough that I didn't think it would be, either. But you need to be fair to yourself. You deserve to have what you want.
[ What she wants is to hold onto this small, unexpected happiness as long as she can, to make Lewin as happy as she can while she can because it's not like they were going to have forever even before that realization had dawned as she'd walked the streets of Lunatia searching for him during Iris. Her heart swells and bobs with that honest answer to some distant question and she sighs yet again, shaking her head, giving a reddening cheek a good, firm smack.
"You're too tired," that's what she wants to tell that foolish thing. "Rest a little longer and maybe someday --"
Someday what? She'll choke on that heart of hers long before that. Hasn't she learned? It's big, bigger than she wants anyone to know, and wild. Even its cage can't keep it. It will absolutely leap into her throat with feelings that don't, won't quiet and when it all disappears before her eyes, she'll be left standing here with regret upon regret.
Probably.
Breathe, it's -- no, he's here. Calm down.
Iris began some two weeks ago and she's only been looking this in the face for a few short days now. There are only so many things she's certain about. ]
That's my line, you know.
[ Couldn't have said it better herself, she thinks. Selfish is the proper way to live. Everyone, everything lives some kind of selfish or it dies before the desires of some other being in some unkind way. That is nature. There's nothing wrong with wanting to live and pursuing that desire earnestly. She has where so many wish she'd fail, but to hear those words returned to her so many days after she gifted them to him takes her aback. Makes her heart twist in its cage as she draws her knees to her chest in the tub and shoots a half-lidded glance at her device. ]
It isn't love, but [ but, she echoes, and there's a small, slight smile for some reason, ] it's pretty stupid, huh?
[ Like wanting to peel on top of Lewin and bury her face in his chest right now. Her face is red? The bath was hot. Just let her stay there for a bit. He doesn't care and she's tired. ]
[ Maybe it isn't love, he notes. But it's something. And it's important to Setsura. Therefore, Rohan cares at least a little bit about it. As much as he can care about someone else. Being close to others has never been particularly easy. Personal relationships weren't too important to him, though. Not before at least. But here, there were a couple who had found their way in. Setsura among them.
So, he'll accept what she says about it not being love because he has no reason to not believe her when she tells him that. And, if it is - she's saying it isn't because either she doesn't know or doesn't want to talk about it. He won't be pushy. He's in no place to be since he can barely keep it together when he thinks about trying to tell Reimi what's going on. ]
And that's my line, Setsura. Though, I see what you mean.
[ Because it wasn't stupid. It wasn't stupid to him that Setsura cared about someone. So maybe Setsura had felt that way when Rohan said it to himself. But, with Reimi - it's so much more.
It's not about being selfish only to him, though. It's that he doesn't know if he's ready to know if someone feels that way about him here and now. And he knows, once he crosses that bridge, you can't return from it - at least not without using a means he'd prefer not to. It's not like it hadn't crossed his mind. ]
[ Like her heart, foolish thing that it is, is hers. She loves it for that reason even when it's trying to choke her out and put holes in her body because it wants to leave and make a home in someone else, live with them. And it's such a wild thing. It barely listens to reason if it hears it at all. The fact that she's already living with Lewin isn't enough. It's insistent and it trips and falls all over itself about him at the worst times and it's hot and passionate, not weathered and changed like the seasons through years and years. Jumping into her throat, dropping into her stomach, hurling itself against its cage until her bones feel bruised and sore and she aches.
"It isn't love," she'd only just typed, but she isn't sure about that and she hates being uncertain for any lengthy period of time. Ranpo had said he knew exactly how she felt about Lightning, so how the hell didn't she? How'd -- and her fingers are twitching -- she miss this? She looks at her hand and wonders for a brief moment if she really did. Because she knows. From the very beginning, she wanted to hold onto that hand of his. Grasp his other, train both his eyes on her, chase this, take this as far as she can as long as she can. She wants him, she always has. She does. Enough to reject the honeyed words of a puppet, to fight, to chase him down, to stop him when he snaps, to promise to keep him from smashing this boring world to pieces even as she clutched at that tiny bit of distance she established when that doll first told her that he didn't, couldn't care. He doesn't, she knows, but she does and even now she wants to chase this, all of this. To know him more and more, be with him. If it wasn't love then, that it could be now, is that really so surprising?
And just like that she hears a certain master detective's words in her head again.
"Ignoring it won't make things better. There's never going to be a 'better time' to address it with someone like him."
But it's not so simple, she thinks. Because neither she, nor Lewin are most people and that is something to be considered before her heart's urging. She'll clutch that pitiful distance a little more tightly, a little longer in the face of these feelings because there are things she needs to know, figure out.
Hn. ] But I suppose it's fine if I should happen to care a little.
[ He uses the word because he feels like he wants her to know that he's actually taking her feelings and words in to consideration here. That he cares about what she feels because he sees her as his oneesan. He sees her as family. And Rohan doesn't use words like this or have feelings like this lightly. He's never considered anyone family before. He barely considered his own like family after seeing and feeling the way they treated his experience after August 1983. ]
Have you ever felt like this before? I haven't. I don't know what to expect. But maybe you have preconceived notions as to how things should work.
[ Maybe that's why she's reluctant. Or maybe that's why she readily understand exactly what it is. ]
[ As though she's only ever been good at caring a little. Really, who was lying to at that time?
But she doesn't miss it, Rohan's careful use of that word. He's conveying very specific things to her right now and she reads them with exceptional care. That question, though, that's a loaded one. Sees her lean back as she considers not if she should answer, but how. ]
How it should work and how it actually does aren't necessarily the same thing. Like I said, hearts are wild things and they don't always agree with the mind. The desires of those two things can easily run counter and you would think your rational mind would easily win out, but the heart is powerful when it moves, when it's moved. Even the most experienced, seasoned person may unexpectedly find themselves in a bind.
Trying to define or relegate the feeling to a single word or set of words is misleading, detrimental, too. Affection of any sort can wax and wane. A lot of people come into this idea that attraction, that love should always feel a particular kind of way and become distressed when it begins to change. If there is a constant, it is that it may remain what it is at its core and a person has to consciously realize that. That isn't always easily done.
A scorching love that burns with the heat of a passionate summer may have began like a gentle blossom in a warm spring and cool into windy, colorful autumn. It's no less a love than it began, but it is different.
[ He reads her words again and again. He processes, takes it slow, as he usually does. But he settles on a simple answer. He doesn't really have any reference points to understand it fully - having never been there, but he takes her word for it. Because why shouldn't he? She's been very honest with him and his questions and concerns. ]
I understand. You're clear.
[ Expect that things can change, but that doesn't mean that the feeling is gone, even if it's different. That much, he can handle. He's even watched his own shift just a little. ]
Truthfully, I don't want to color your expectations too much with my own experiences even though I know you're intelligent and discerning. This is a new experience for you, after all. I wonder how you'll describe it years from now?
[ But that's years away and right now, he's still figuring things out. He isn't the only person between them with things he's figuring out either, but it wasn't her intention to leave him to walk the path without so much as a guide when she revealed it to him to begin with a few days ago and that hasn't changed. ]
But if you do find yourself with questions, you know where to find me.
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And, well, maybe it was also because he knew, somewhere, that he'd be okay without her ever returning those feelings to him - as long as she stayed close to him anyway. For all of his efforts not to do it - it was hard to not see Reimi as everything good. She gave him his life. And he had convinced himself, and told her, that nothing she could do to hurt how he thought of her. And that was true.
So it's only natural that it'd be different. He didn't necessarily they'd really be similar. But the feeling? He knew it. He could recognize it. He knew what it was like, and he'd have to know more to see what was going on in Setsura's head.
Whatever she'd share, of course. He wouldn't dare use his ability on her for something like this. ]
Of course it isn't the same. And I didn't think this absolved me of trying to find out how I want to approach this.
[ A game plan. He needed that to approach this. Maybe he'd produce some short manga - 4 panels, probably - to help him better figure out what he needed. He's sure that's not what most people do, but for him. ]
You and I are different enough that I didn't think it would be, either. But you need to be fair to yourself. You deserve to have what you want.
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"You're too tired," that's what she wants to tell that foolish thing. "Rest a little longer and maybe someday --"
Someday what? She'll choke on that heart of hers long before that. Hasn't she learned? It's big, bigger than she wants anyone to know, and wild. Even its cage can't keep it. It will absolutely leap into her throat with feelings that don't, won't quiet and when it all disappears before her eyes, she'll be left standing here with regret upon regret.
Probably.
Breathe, it's -- no, he's here. Calm down.
Iris began some two weeks ago and she's only been looking this in the face for a few short days now. There are only so many things she's certain about. ]
That's my line, you know.
[ Couldn't have said it better herself, she thinks. Selfish is the proper way to live. Everyone, everything lives some kind of selfish or it dies before the desires of some other being in some unkind way. That is nature. There's nothing wrong with wanting to live and pursuing that desire earnestly. She has where so many wish she'd fail, but to hear those words returned to her so many days after she gifted them to him takes her aback. Makes her heart twist in its cage as she draws her knees to her chest in the tub and shoots a half-lidded glance at her device. ]
It isn't love, but [ but, she echoes, and there's a small, slight smile for some reason, ] it's pretty stupid, huh?
[ Like wanting to peel on top of Lewin and bury her face in his chest right now. Her face is red? The bath was hot. Just let her stay there for a bit. He doesn't care and she's tired. ]
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So, he'll accept what she says about it not being love because he has no reason to not believe her when she tells him that. And, if it is - she's saying it isn't because either she doesn't know or doesn't want to talk about it. He won't be pushy. He's in no place to be since he can barely keep it together when he thinks about trying to tell Reimi what's going on. ]
And that's my line, Setsura. Though, I see what you mean.
[ Because it wasn't stupid. It wasn't stupid to him that Setsura cared about someone. So maybe Setsura had felt that way when Rohan said it to himself. But, with Reimi - it's so much more.
It's not about being selfish only to him, though. It's that he doesn't know if he's ready to know if someone feels that way about him here and now. And he knows, once he crosses that bridge, you can't return from it - at least not without using a means he'd prefer not to. It's not like it hadn't crossed his mind. ]
I don't think your feelings are stupid, though.
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[ Like her heart, foolish thing that it is, is hers. She loves it for that reason even when it's trying to choke her out and put holes in her body because it wants to leave and make a home in someone else, live with them. And it's such a wild thing. It barely listens to reason if it hears it at all. The fact that she's already living with Lewin isn't enough. It's insistent and it trips and falls all over itself about him at the worst times and it's hot and passionate, not weathered and changed like the seasons through years and years. Jumping into her throat, dropping into her stomach, hurling itself against its cage until her bones feel bruised and sore and she aches.
"It isn't love," she'd only just typed, but she isn't sure about that and she hates being uncertain for any lengthy period of time. Ranpo had said he knew exactly how she felt about Lightning, so how the hell didn't she? How'd -- and her fingers are twitching -- she miss this? She looks at her hand and wonders for a brief moment if she really did. Because she knows. From the very beginning, she wanted to hold onto that hand of his. Grasp his other, train both his eyes on her, chase this, take this as far as she can as long as she can. She wants him, she always has. She does. Enough to reject the honeyed words of a puppet, to fight, to chase him down, to stop him when he snaps, to promise to keep him from smashing this boring world to pieces even as she clutched at that tiny bit of distance she established when that doll first told her that he didn't, couldn't care. He doesn't, she knows, but she does and even now she wants to chase this, all of this. To know him more and more, be with him. If it wasn't love then, that it could be now, is that really so surprising?
And just like that she hears a certain master detective's words in her head again.
"Ignoring it won't make things better. There's never going to be a 'better time' to address it with someone like him."
But it's not so simple, she thinks. Because neither she, nor Lewin are most people and that is something to be considered before her heart's urging. She'll clutch that pitiful distance a little more tightly, a little longer in the face of these feelings because there are things she needs to know, figure out.
Hn. ] But I suppose it's fine if I should happen to care a little.
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[ He uses the word because he feels like he wants her to know that he's actually taking her feelings and words in to consideration here. That he cares about what she feels because he sees her as his oneesan. He sees her as family. And Rohan doesn't use words like this or have feelings like this lightly. He's never considered anyone family before. He barely considered his own like family after seeing and feeling the way they treated his experience after August 1983. ]
Have you ever felt like this before? I haven't. I don't know what to expect. But maybe you have preconceived notions as to how things should work.
[ Maybe that's why she's reluctant. Or maybe that's why she readily understand exactly what it is. ]
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But she doesn't miss it, Rohan's careful use of that word. He's conveying very specific things to her right now and she reads them with exceptional care. That question, though, that's a loaded one. Sees her lean back as she considers not if she should answer, but how. ]
How it should work and how it actually does aren't necessarily the same thing. Like I said, hearts are wild things and they don't always agree with the mind. The desires of those two things can easily run counter and you would think your rational mind would easily win out, but the heart is powerful when it moves, when it's moved. Even the most experienced, seasoned person may unexpectedly find themselves in a bind.
Trying to define or relegate the feeling to a single word or set of words is misleading, detrimental, too. Affection of any sort can wax and wane. A lot of people come into this idea that attraction, that love should always feel a particular kind of way and become distressed when it begins to change. If there is a constant, it is that it may remain what it is at its core and a person has to consciously realize that. That isn't always easily done.
A scorching love that burns with the heat of a passionate summer may have began like a gentle blossom in a warm spring and cool into windy, colorful autumn. It's no less a love than it began, but it is different.
[ She pauses now. ]
Am I making sense, Rohan-kun?
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I understand. You're clear.
[ Expect that things can change, but that doesn't mean that the feeling is gone, even if it's different. That much, he can handle. He's even watched his own shift just a little. ]
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[ But that's years away and right now, he's still figuring things out. He isn't the only person between them with things he's figuring out either, but it wasn't her intention to leave him to walk the path without so much as a guide when she revealed it to him to begin with a few days ago and that hasn't changed. ]
But if you do find yourself with questions, you know where to find me.