[She'd noticed the wrapped gift before, when she'd first walked in, but the truth is she hadn't really thought much of it before now. But when Rohan offers it to her, she takes it without protest, just sort of holding it a minute while she listens to him. It's too solid and heavy to be candy, she thinks. And it's definitely not more flowers. It's the wrong shape for jewelry...
So what, then? She better hear out Rohan first, and find out.]
[ Rohan doesn't get nervous, not really. If only because he's not really cared about how people felt about him. But, he does care. Maybe that's why? Why is Reimi so often the exception? He's trying to hide the slightest bit that hits him. Maintains that almost indifferent look for a few moments before he organizes the words he's said again and again as he cooked in the kitchen earlier that day.
As he does everything, he has to do it right. And, he knows he can't keep dodging this. And he knows it's okay to be a little selfish. And he is glad that he spoke about this with someone, but someone he trusted was even better. And, he gave himself a month to sort this out. That time was closing in on him. ]
It's important to me that you know.
[ Okay - ]
And know that I am only saying this because I want you to know, and that you don't have to say or do anything. I don't expect anything.
[ And, without hesitation. He adds. ]
But. [ He pauses, it's brief, and he speaks confidently. As if he is fully sure about these words. ]
The thing is, she's not oblivious. Even without knowing Rohan inside and out the way that she does, she's certainly capable of reading between the lines and drawing a conclusion. The flowers, the gift, the interest in her life and her well-being. The dinner. The picking her up from work. The attention to Arnold and the sore-pawed cat. The gentle jealousy.
She'd known all of that, and she'd expected that what he had to say, that it would be...something. Something sweet, something warm. Maybe even something that would make her blush.
But even knowing that, she's not expecting the reality. She's not expecting a confession, not from Rohan of all people. Yet there it is, plain as day, simple and raw and...
And...
And he didn't hesitate, even for a second, in saying it.
That doesn't escape her notice, either.]
Rohan...
[It feels, for a moment, like she's teetering on the edge of a precipice, like she's going to topple over the edge of a realization and plummet into the chasm beneath it, and just like that the whole world has changed.
Her whole world has changed, in one instant. It's before and after, now. The world before Rohan said he loved her, and this new and uncharted one after.]
Y...You can't just...say something like that, and not expect — anything! Y-You...you really...
[She fumbles, and now the unshed tears from earlier come rushing back, spilling over and running down past the heat in her cheeks.]
[ He's not sure what it means, to be honest. Her tears, and he can't figure it out. He can't figure out if they're good or bad or if it means he made a mistake. No, it couldn't be a mistake. Though the passing thought that he had hurt her by admission came and went. Regardless as to the source of her tears, his chest tightens and it's hard to breathe for a moment.
Maybe this was normal? He didn't know. He's never much cared for people, so to go further and say he loved someone - or even more, enough to confess. It was impossible before this. Was it normal for someone to admit their feelings and get this sort of reaction? He has nothing to compare this to, and it wasn't among the many things he had asked.
He limited his questions to how to manage the feeling itself, rather than how to approach letting the other person know he had them. Maybe he should have asked about that. Rohan is just now realizing that despite the questions he had asked, they weren't necessarily the right ones.
But, he tries to pull himself from his thoughts quickly. He really doesn't want to leave her questioning that. ]
I mean it.
[ Simple. Straightforward. Rohan wouldn't have said something so - important like this that he didn't mean, of course. He means it with every bit of him that understands what it means to tell someone that he loves them. ]
I don't expect anything, though. I just thought -- [ He's not sure what he thought. ]
You should know.
[ That's the long and short of it, really. It was important that she knows. He wanted her to. He needed her to. And that was why he didn't have any expectations. He wants to reach out and pull her in close because there's a lingering fear creeping up that maybe he had hurt her with his admission. Instead, he steps in, hands gripping either of her cheeks and he looks at her. He has so many questions. So many things he doesn't understand. And he hopes. Hopes she'll help him understand it. ]
[She can't help but think, as he takes her face in his hands, of how far they've come even from the moment when they'd first reunited here in outer space. It's been so long, so much, since Rohan turned away from her on that sidewalk and admitted with his hands in fists that he was going to miss her when she left. Look how far Rohan has come, from a young man who couldn't even tolerate the gentlest of vulnerabilities to someone who's offered up his heart to her now, freely and seeking nothing in return.
I just thought you should know. He doesn't want a confession, isn't seeking reciprocation. He's not looking to gain from this. He just wanted her to know. He just wanted to make sure she knew he meant it.
And she's certain, in that moment, that Rohan isn't seeing his guardian angel when he looks at her, not like this. He looks at her and it makes her feel seen, and maybe that's the best gift he possibly could've offered her to begin with.
You've really grown up, Rohan-chan, is what comes to the tip of her tongue — but no. That isn't fair to him at all, is it? He's doing her the courtesy of seeing her only as herself. It'd be wrong of her to do anything less than the same.]
I wanted you to.
[He said he doesn't expect a reply, but she suspects there's another layer to that, beyond just being gentle with her. Rohan doesn't know what to do with a confession he actually wants to receive, she thinks, and so maybe he's hoping she'll spare him the burden of trying to figure it out for himself.
So she does. Of course she does. She'd do anything for him; this is nothing.]
To...to love me, I mean. When you were talking about those other girls, the ones from high school...I was so jealous, I hated it, because...because I don't mind if you love someone else, but I wanted you to love me most...
[She smiles at him, rueful and gently self-mocking, but there's a certain serenity in her expression nevertheless.]
That's pretty selfish, right? But I couldn't help it. I still can't.
[ Logically, he doesn't know what to feel. What is he supposed to feel when he hears that she wanted this? Wants him to love her. He doesn't need her to respond, to confess to anything because he understands her words and every piece of them. She's accepted what he feels, and he hasn't hurt her. He hasn't burdened her. He hasn't pulled her from his life. And now... now she knows. And he feels lighter. That's what his body and heart and mind settle on - lighter. It's relief, maybe. Maybe because he's not holding onto the feeling so tightly. Burying it deep inside because he doesn't know if it's okay. And he didn't really realize how badly he was drowning in it until he shared it.
Yeah, he didn't know what to expect. For all the pop culture that he takes in - he didn't know. And it's just another new experience. But he doesn't know if this is one he'd ever want to write about. He doesn't know that he can, anyway.
This one, this experience. It is only for him to share with her. He's quiet for awhile, though he doesn't move. He just looks at her.
Because he doesn't mind her being selfish. He considers that he may even like that she was jealous. That she was selfish about him. No one has been selfish about him before. Reimi is nothing like those girls, those people who wanted to be close because of his fame and popularity.
And he recalls words, words that Setsura had told him. To be selfish - for his sake and for her sake. And he echoes them, in a way, when he speaks. ]
It's okay to be selfish.
[ Obviously, when he says it - he means that he doesn't mind that she is. He's always been selfish. In his pursuits and with his work, he was selfish. He cared very little for other people's feelings. ]
But I don't even really like most other people.
[ So - she has zero competition. It's not exactly the smoothest thing to say right here, in this moment, but that's all he has, really. He's not good at this, and he's already laid his heart out for her, so he has nothing else right now. But, in one quick impulse he leans to kiss the top of her head because it seems right? Yeah. That seems right. ]
[It's probably not the smoothest response, either, but it's one that breaks the ice a little bit, making her laugh despite herself, and that's okay too. It feels like releasing a breath after holding it for a while without noticing, being able to just laugh and find that warmth between them again.
She reaches for one of his hands, drawing it away from her face just so that she can press her palm against his and lace their fingers together.]
Do you like it? That feeling...
[This is such an odd thing to ask, but she knows Rohan better than he knows himself in some ways, and it's only natural to cajole this from him.]
Being in love should make you feel good, and light. Does it?
[ It was difficult to describe. Which was, in part, what the manga was for. Not that he's sure it exactly captures any of that. It's fairly... sentimental and only for her. But it is a straightforward way of expressing something new for him. So it had helped him understand. There was hesitation for awhile after the realization. A consideration for keeping this buried and letting it die with him. But any mention of never saying it was meant with resistance. And to be honest, his stubborn nature usually wasn't impacted by how other's felt about him.
So he realized, he must know they're right at his core for it to actually sway him. His eyes drift towards where his fingers are laced with hers. He's not making any move to pull away or step back. Because even without the Chroma, he'd like this.
He didn't want Reimi to think that this was because of who she was at home. What she had done for him. It was - here and now. Because if she had thought that for a moment that was why he did, he wasn't sure he would be able to properly explain everything. ]
Though it -- [ He doesn't really talk like this - ever, so he considers it, runs the words through his head, so there's a longer pause than he likes. When he's talked so far - it's just been honest. So he opts to keep that up. ] always does feel like that around you.
[She closes her eyes, just focusing for a moment on how it feels to hold his hand, to have him so close. Something's changed, hasn't it? She's lost count by now of how many times they've woven their fingers together, but lately...
Lately it hasn't felt like he's been protecting her. It hasn't seemed like he felt compelled to take care of her. Lately it's been more innocent than that — more puppyish, almost, in the way he's wanted her attention just for the sake of it being hers.]
Actually...the truth is, I haven't thought about my memories of you from home in a long time. I haven't needed to...because I've been thinking about the you from here and now, instead.
[Maybe that's consolation. Comfort. She hopes it is.]
Pretty bold of an average girl like me to attract the attention of someone as famous as Rohan Kishibe the mangaka...but I guess I'm just pretty lucky, you know?
[ It's good. It is so good to hear and he holds onto those words. He sighs, releasing a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. It's easily audible. Comfort? He easily feels it. Sure, who they had been at home may have shaped who they are now - but it by no means controlled how he had felt. She'd been thinking about him, he notes. And - god he holds onto that information, too.
She closed her eyes, but he keeps his locked on her, watching. He doesn't want to look away. He doesn't want to move, he doesn't want this to change or stop or anything. A shame it'd have to at some point, really. ]
A bit lucky.
[ His tone is light and easy. And, he is sure to correct her - ]
Bold that you think you're average, though.
[ His tone has no implication that it's simply flattery or a compliment. It's simply fact to him. That simple. That straightforward. She's just not, and maybe he's biased, but he's certain others who have taken time with her would agree. He wants to offer her the same piece of assurance. ]
I haven't, either.
[ It's the best way to go, he's learned. Especially with this. Especially with her. This is the way that he wants it. Now and here. There's an easiness, too, that settles in his bones. And he's sure he could weave together the moments that led to this. The thread - step by step. The slow changes showing up in every moment.
And while he's sure that a couple of months ago he wouldn't have been ready. He wouldn't have had conversations and time to understand everything. He needed to be able to piece it together. He needed to see that there was no point in trying to connect with who he once was. To only exist here and now.
He leans, he would go as far as he needed to, his forehead pressed against hers. The words that follow are there to break the moment up. ]
As much as I don't want to move. The food won't be as good if it gets too cool.
[ He's glad for her attention. He's glad for her hand in his. He's glad to take any bit of it that she'll give him. And he'll ask for it when he wants it from time to time. It is how he always has been, and how he'll continue to be. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
So what, then? She better hear out Rohan first, and find out.]
Sure...you can tell me anything, you know that.
no subject
As he does everything, he has to do it right. And, he knows he can't keep dodging this. And he knows it's okay to be a little selfish. And he is glad that he spoke about this with someone, but someone he trusted was even better. And, he gave himself a month to sort this out. That time was closing in on him. ]
It's important to me that you know.
[ Okay - ]
And know that I am only saying this because I want you to know, and that you don't have to say or do anything. I don't expect anything.
[ And, without hesitation. He adds. ]
But. [ He pauses, it's brief, and he speaks confidently. As if he is fully sure about these words. ]
I love you, Reimi-chan.
no subject
The thing is, she's not oblivious. Even without knowing Rohan inside and out the way that she does, she's certainly capable of reading between the lines and drawing a conclusion. The flowers, the gift, the interest in her life and her well-being. The dinner. The picking her up from work. The attention to Arnold and the sore-pawed cat. The gentle jealousy.
She'd known all of that, and she'd expected that what he had to say, that it would be...something. Something sweet, something warm. Maybe even something that would make her blush.
But even knowing that, she's not expecting the reality. She's not expecting a confession, not from Rohan of all people. Yet there it is, plain as day, simple and raw and...
And...
And he didn't hesitate, even for a second, in saying it.
That doesn't escape her notice, either.]
Rohan...
[It feels, for a moment, like she's teetering on the edge of a precipice, like she's going to topple over the edge of a realization and plummet into the chasm beneath it, and just like that the whole world has changed.
Her whole world has changed, in one instant. It's before and after, now. The world before Rohan said he loved her, and this new and uncharted one after.]
Y...You can't just...say something like that, and not expect — anything! Y-You...you really...
[She fumbles, and now the unshed tears from earlier come rushing back, spilling over and running down past the heat in her cheeks.]
You really mean it, don't you...
no subject
Maybe this was normal? He didn't know. He's never much cared for people, so to go further and say he loved someone - or even more, enough to confess. It was impossible before this. Was it normal for someone to admit their feelings and get this sort of reaction? He has nothing to compare this to, and it wasn't among the many things he had asked.
He limited his questions to how to manage the feeling itself, rather than how to approach letting the other person know he had them. Maybe he should have asked about that. Rohan is just now realizing that despite the questions he had asked, they weren't necessarily the right ones.
But, he tries to pull himself from his thoughts quickly. He really doesn't want to leave her questioning that. ]
I mean it.
[ Simple. Straightforward. Rohan wouldn't have said something so - important like this that he didn't mean, of course. He means it with every bit of him that understands what it means to tell someone that he loves them. ]
I don't expect anything, though. I just thought -- [ He's not sure what he thought. ]
You should know.
[ That's the long and short of it, really. It was important that she knows. He wanted her to. He needed her to. And that was why he didn't have any expectations. He wants to reach out and pull her in close because there's a lingering fear creeping up that maybe he had hurt her with his admission. Instead, he steps in, hands gripping either of her cheeks and he looks at her. He has so many questions. So many things he doesn't understand. And he hopes. Hopes she'll help him understand it. ]
no subject
I just thought you should know. He doesn't want a confession, isn't seeking reciprocation. He's not looking to gain from this. He just wanted her to know. He just wanted to make sure she knew he meant it.
And she's certain, in that moment, that Rohan isn't seeing his guardian angel when he looks at her, not like this. He looks at her and it makes her feel seen, and maybe that's the best gift he possibly could've offered her to begin with.
You've really grown up, Rohan-chan, is what comes to the tip of her tongue — but no. That isn't fair to him at all, is it? He's doing her the courtesy of seeing her only as herself. It'd be wrong of her to do anything less than the same.]
I wanted you to.
[He said he doesn't expect a reply, but she suspects there's another layer to that, beyond just being gentle with her. Rohan doesn't know what to do with a confession he actually wants to receive, she thinks, and so maybe he's hoping she'll spare him the burden of trying to figure it out for himself.
So she does. Of course she does. She'd do anything for him; this is nothing.]
To...to love me, I mean. When you were talking about those other girls, the ones from high school...I was so jealous, I hated it, because...because I don't mind if you love someone else, but I wanted you to love me most...
[She smiles at him, rueful and gently self-mocking, but there's a certain serenity in her expression nevertheless.]
That's pretty selfish, right? But I couldn't help it. I still can't.
no subject
Yeah, he didn't know what to expect. For all the pop culture that he takes in - he didn't know. And it's just another new experience. But he doesn't know if this is one he'd ever want to write about. He doesn't know that he can, anyway.
This one, this experience. It is only for him to share with her. He's quiet for awhile, though he doesn't move. He just looks at her.
Because he doesn't mind her being selfish. He considers that he may even like that she was jealous. That she was selfish about him. No one has been selfish about him before. Reimi is nothing like those girls, those people who wanted to be close because of his fame and popularity.
And he recalls words, words that Setsura had told him. To be selfish - for his sake and for her sake. And he echoes them, in a way, when he speaks. ]
It's okay to be selfish.
[ Obviously, when he says it - he means that he doesn't mind that she is. He's always been selfish. In his pursuits and with his work, he was selfish. He cared very little for other people's feelings. ]
But I don't even really like most other people.
[ So - she has zero competition. It's not exactly the smoothest thing to say right here, in this moment, but that's all he has, really. He's not good at this, and he's already laid his heart out for her, so he has nothing else right now. But, in one quick impulse he leans to kiss the top of her head because it seems right? Yeah. That seems right. ]
no subject
[It's probably not the smoothest response, either, but it's one that breaks the ice a little bit, making her laugh despite herself, and that's okay too. It feels like releasing a breath after holding it for a while without noticing, being able to just laugh and find that warmth between them again.
She reaches for one of his hands, drawing it away from her face just so that she can press her palm against his and lace their fingers together.]
Do you like it? That feeling...
[This is such an odd thing to ask, but she knows Rohan better than he knows himself in some ways, and it's only natural to cajole this from him.]
Being in love should make you feel good, and light. Does it?
no subject
[ It was difficult to describe. Which was, in part, what the manga was for. Not that he's sure it exactly captures any of that. It's fairly... sentimental and only for her. But it is a straightforward way of expressing something new for him. So it had helped him understand. There was hesitation for awhile after the realization. A consideration for keeping this buried and letting it die with him. But any mention of never saying it was meant with resistance. And to be honest, his stubborn nature usually wasn't impacted by how other's felt about him.
So he realized, he must know they're right at his core for it to actually sway him. His eyes drift towards where his fingers are laced with hers. He's not making any move to pull away or step back. Because even without the Chroma, he'd like this.
He didn't want Reimi to think that this was because of who she was at home. What she had done for him. It was - here and now. Because if she had thought that for a moment that was why he did, he wasn't sure he would be able to properly explain everything. ]
Though it -- [ He doesn't really talk like this - ever, so he considers it, runs the words through his head, so there's a longer pause than he likes. When he's talked so far - it's just been honest. So he opts to keep that up. ] always does feel like that around you.
no subject
[She closes her eyes, just focusing for a moment on how it feels to hold his hand, to have him so close. Something's changed, hasn't it? She's lost count by now of how many times they've woven their fingers together, but lately...
Lately it hasn't felt like he's been protecting her. It hasn't seemed like he felt compelled to take care of her. Lately it's been more innocent than that — more puppyish, almost, in the way he's wanted her attention just for the sake of it being hers.]
Actually...the truth is, I haven't thought about my memories of you from home in a long time. I haven't needed to...because I've been thinking about the you from here and now, instead.
[Maybe that's consolation. Comfort. She hopes it is.]
Pretty bold of an average girl like me to attract the attention of someone as famous as Rohan Kishibe the mangaka...but I guess I'm just pretty lucky, you know?
no subject
She closed her eyes, but he keeps his locked on her, watching. He doesn't want to look away. He doesn't want to move, he doesn't want this to change or stop or anything. A shame it'd have to at some point, really. ]
A bit lucky.
[ His tone is light and easy. And, he is sure to correct her - ]
Bold that you think you're average, though.
[ His tone has no implication that it's simply flattery or a compliment. It's simply fact to him. That simple. That straightforward. She's just not, and maybe he's biased, but he's certain others who have taken time with her would agree. He wants to offer her the same piece of assurance. ]
I haven't, either.
[ It's the best way to go, he's learned. Especially with this. Especially with her. This is the way that he wants it. Now and here. There's an easiness, too, that settles in his bones. And he's sure he could weave together the moments that led to this. The thread - step by step. The slow changes showing up in every moment.
And while he's sure that a couple of months ago he wouldn't have been ready. He wouldn't have had conversations and time to understand everything. He needed to be able to piece it together. He needed to see that there was no point in trying to connect with who he once was. To only exist here and now.
He leans, he would go as far as he needed to, his forehead pressed against hers. The words that follow are there to break the moment up. ]
As much as I don't want to move. The food won't be as good if it gets too cool.
[ He's glad for her attention. He's glad for her hand in his. He's glad to take any bit of it that she'll give him. And he'll ask for it when he wants it from time to time. It is how he always has been, and how he'll continue to be. ]